


Never Not

by Flamoria



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Feels, Blow Jobs, Bottom Eren Yeager, Canon Universe, Dominant Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Face-Fucking, Falling In Love, Gratuitous Smut, Heavy Angst, Long-Haired Eren Yeager, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, POV Eren Yeager, Post-Time Skip, Rough Sex, Sad and Happy, Smut, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25494526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamoria/pseuds/Flamoria
Summary: Eren found himself wishing for the millionth time that he had another choice, that his father had never injected him with the serum, and that he could live out that life Levi had spoken of with hope lacing his words. One where they owned a tea shop together, living just a few houses down the road, with Sasha as their baker. A world where his friends would all sit inside the tea shop drinking and eating delicious food, laughing freely and happily, not worrying about fighting a war they were far too young to be a part of.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 33
Kudos: 281
Collections: 18+ Ereri Discord Server Summer Exchange 2020





	Never Not

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ackerbuttslut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ackerbuttslut/gifts).



> I can't believe I actually finished this in time. Funny story, I had wrote a completely different fic for this event and ended up hating it so I scrapped the entire thing and became inspired to write this instead.
> 
> Canonverse and angst are not my strong suit so I hope this is good. I actually ended up enjoying the process of writing this far more than I thought I would in the end.
> 
> As always, inspired by [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmibkOh25uY)

**_“How many times has my life found itself wholly concentrated in this one feeling of departure;_ **

**_going far, far away-”_ **

**_Rainer Maria Rilke_ **

* * *

When Eren had first laid eyes upon the ocean, he had been mesmerized. The books that Armin had shown him as a child, yellow dusty pages inked in black, were nothing in comparison to what stretched before him. The water was vast, wild and unrelenting, waves crashing against his ankles threatening to pull him into their depths.

It was as beautiful as it was frightful, and he understood at that moment why Armin had always wished for more. This was the very thing he had been fighting for all this time, the experience of the wind running through his hair and the taste of salt on the very tip of his tongue. He had stood at the precipice of what was to be simultaneously the end and the beginning crashing into one another much like the waves in the distance.

It was here that Eren would let go of who he had been and who he had thought he was supposed to be. While his friends laughed and played in the background, Eren gazed into the horizon forlornly. He longed to feel the way they did, to bask in the pure magnificence that was this moment, but all he could think about was what lay beyond. He could not rest until he had decimated the enemy and ensured the safety of everyone that he loved.

“Eren,” captain Levi called out from the distance, “we’re getting ready to leave. Come on.”

Like always, Levi’s voice brought Eren out of the depths of his mind and, like always, Eren would follow.

Until one day he wouldn’t.

…

Eren was going to leave them.

He’d known it when, what seemed like ages ago, his toes had curled into the hot gritty sand for the very first time. Had felt, deep within his heart, that this would be one of the last happy memories he would have with his friends and comrades. He’d known it every night when he sat down to eat next to Armin and Mikasa, squished between his two friends who pressed closer and closer as the days bled into one another, as though they sensed his imminent departure from their lives.

He knew it when he began to slip into Levi’s quarters at ungodly hours, unable to sleep as the reality of his decision weighed heavily upon him, finding solace in the one person who had always been able to understand him no matter the circumstance. Levi would prepare him a warm cup of tea and bring out the chessboard, never pressing Eren to talk, not needing to in order to know exactly what it was the titan shifter needed.

They’d grown closer since discovering the ocean, Hanji’s experiments often exhausting Eren to such a degree that he could hardly walk let alone lift his head afterward. Levi had become a constant in his life, always there to wrap his arm around Eren’s waist and drag him back to Levi’s room. Always Levi’s room. His captain would clean him, bring up two servings of food for him, brew him a warm cup of tea, and even allow Eren to take naps in his bed.

“I hardly use it,” Levi had grumbled the first time Eren argued, “it might as well be appreciated by someone.”

And so, Eren passed out in Levi’s bed while the captain sat at his desk and did paperwork. It was a good system; Levi had the time to do something he despised and Eren had the time to hide away from the rest of the world. It had become a sort of safe space for him, a little bubble in which he felt the tiniest bit of happiness. Levi’s scent wrapped warmly around him, lulling him to sleep along with the gentle scrape of a pencil against paper.

Even though Eren knew this was only temporary, that one day soon he would be having to give this up and there was no chance in hell he’d ever get it back again, he still selfishly enjoyed it. Loved it so much, in fact, that he kept pushing off the inevitable just so he could have more of it. He didn’t want to leave his friends, didn’t want to forget the sound of Sasha’s laughter as Connie chased her around every time that she stole his food, or the way Mikasa’s face lit up in a shy smile these days whenever Jean entered the room, or how Armin excitedly pondered over their ocean discoveries, and especially not the fond look captain Levi had begun to have in his eyes whenever they met Eren’s.

Eren had long harbored a crush on his captain, his once heroic idolization as a child growing into something much more profound. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, what had sparked the switch between liking Levi and loving Levi. Perhaps it was an accumulation of so many different things, from the way Levi’s lip twitched ever so slightly whenever he watched his subordinates’ goof off together to the ferocious and fearsome gleam in his eyes whenever he was fighting to protect them.

To everyone else, Levi was ornery and closed off, the exact opposite of a person whom you’d want to fall in love with. But Eren knew Levi. He knew that he was meticulous when it came to making tea not just because it enhanced the taste but because he enjoyed the process, the quiet calm of measuring out the leaves exactly before pouring the perfectly tempered water over them, watching the steam rise with the smallest hint of a smile on his face. Knew that he was obsessive over cleanliness because of his past life, because it was one of the small semblances of control he could have in this world.

Knew that he was difficult with training because Levi had a deep love for his comrades and wished for nothing more than for every one of them to return from each of their missions alive and intact. The captain may have never said he loved them out loud, but he showed it in everything he did. From the way he would pile Sasha’s plate with maybe the slightest bit more of a certain food he knew she loved, how he would spend a bit more time training Mikasa as her skills were the only ones that rivaled his, to his decision to save Armin over Erwin and his constant reminder to Eren that is was ultimately his choice.

And Eren knew, without a doubt, that Levi loved him. He had begun to suspect it a few months ago, shortly after their first ocean expedition, when he had collapsed and not woken up for three full days. The first thing he had seen upon opening his eyes groggily was not a fuzzy and worried Mikasa, as he had been expecting, but an angry-looking Levi.

“Eren,” Levi had said, pursing his lips as he paused and gazed down at the younger man, “you scared me.”

_You scared me._

So raw, vulnerable, and honest. Straight and to the point. So like Levi.

It hadn’t dawned on Eren until he returned to his bed that night how significant those three words that Levi uttered had been. Eren was someone that Levi was scared to lose which meant that Eren was someone Levi cared about beyond a normal captain and subordinate relationship. Levi might as well have confessed his feelings right then and there, and perhaps he had, because it wasn’t until after that night that the captain’s attitude towards Eren had shifted.

It seemed, whenever possible, Levi always had to be standing next to him or touching him in the lightest way imaginable, his fingertips as delicate as the brush of a butterfly’s wings whenever they contacted Eren’s skin. And it was only a few weeks ago that Eren truly realized how much his feelings for his captain had shifted when, as Eren had been making his way towards the mess hall for a weekly game of poker with the squad, Levi had stopped him in his tracks by placing his hand on the small of Eren’s back.

“Eren, you should be resting. Hanji overworked you today, you look exhausted,” Levi had spoken softly, his deep cadence hardly making a sound throughout the dimply lit hallway.

The only thing Eren could feel was the heat emanating from Levi’s hand and searing into his back, lighting up a roaring flame inside of him. His heart sputtered wildly in his chest and his stomach burned uncomfortably, a feeling he’d only previously felt when he had found that porn stash underneath Jean’s mattress. Not only was he in love with Levi, but he was also sexually attracted to him, so much so that a mere hand pressing up against his body was enough to drive him insane with desire.

Eren swallowed thickly, “it’s just a game of cards sir. I promise not to stay up too late.”

Levi trailed his hand up Eren’s spine until he reached the nape of his neck, rubbing his thumb over the heated skin softly as he replied, “in bed no later than midnight. Got it?”

_Holy. Fucking. Shit._

“Got it,” Eren choked out as he ran away from Levi, his entire body on fire, face burning as he swore that he heard the captain chuckling behind him.

And Eren yearned for Levi, wanted him so bad that sometimes he swore he would burst from his desire. It increased exponentially as the days dragged forward, as he neared the day where he would be departing for a journey where no one else could follow. He wished to know what it was like to experience a love that beautiful, a passion that was matched only by his need to enact revenge for his mother’s death. Eren knew deep down in his heart that it was wrong to do this, to take this away from Levi when he would be unable to give the man he loved what he deserved in return, but Eren had learned something about himself a very long time ago.

Eren was selfish.

He had decided on a future that would kill thousands at the expense of saving only those who he loved and cared about. He would destroy the world if it meant creating a new one where he could envision Mikasa and Armin being free and happy, Levi owning that tea shop that he’d fondly told Eren about after a particularly grueling day, a world where Jean could finally marry Mikasa and have that family he dreamed about.

A world that Eren could not be part of, so he would choose to live his life fully in this one. With no regrets.

Tonight, he would allow himself the smallest glimpse of happiness. The taste of what life might be like if he wasn’t the one whom this responsibility had been shoved upon. Eren knew that in a few days, when he would slink away during the late hours of the night, that he would hate himself for this. Hate that he gave Levi hope, but he couldn’t help it. If he was to live out the remainder of his days despising his existence he needed at least one happy memory to hold onto, one thing to take with him to his grave, to show himself that in the end even if he was not able to be happy he had at least _lived._

And so, with a heavy heart, Eren made his way towards Levi’s bedroom for what would most likely be the last time. Even if he were to return to this place in the future, he knew that Levi would hate him for what he was going to do. It was unforgivable and Eren found himself wishing for the millionth time that he had another choice, that his father had never injected him with the serum, and that he could live out that life Levi had spoken of with hope lacing his words. One where they owned a tea shop together, living just a few houses down the road, with Sasha as their baker. A world where his friends would all sit inside the tea shop drinking and eating delicious food, laughing freely and happily, not worrying about fighting a war they were far too young to be a part of.

But that was not the life that Eren had been given, he had chosen this path and he would stick with it until the very end, no matter the costs. His own suffering would be worth the future that he would create for those he held most dear. Maybe Eren would never set foot in that tea shop, would never get to see Levi relaxed in casual clothing picking out the perfect tea to match his customer's moods, the smallest of smiles on his faces as each person tasted it for the very first time. Maybe he’d never see Mikasa become a mother, protecting her child more fiercely than she had ever protected anyone, even him.

He’d never hear of all the wondrous places Armin would visit, watch Sasha bake to her heart's content, observe Hanji finally giving themselves a break after being the glue that held them all together. No, he’d never experience any of it, but he would be the one to ensure that it would happen.

Eren was selfish but he wasn’t _that_ selfish.

When he knocked on the door Levi immediately answered, as though he had been able to sense Eren’s presence long before he’d even reached the door. The glow from the lanterns in Levi’s room bathed over his body, gear removed, and hair slightly damp just as Eren’s was, signaling that the captain had felt the same thing Eren did.

They had waited long enough; patience ran so thin that is was barely hanging on by a thread.

As soon as the door latched shut, Levi’s lips were crashing against Eren’s causing everything around him to cease to exist. He no longer was thinking of what lay behind or what loomed ahead, all that mattered was the here and now, the way that Levi’s tongue felt as it flicked over his lips and the heat of his hands as they snaked up underneath Eren’s shirt and pressed against his flushed skin.

He would have lived and died a thousand times over if it meant experiencing this moment with Levi.

Eren moaned as Levi’s thumb flicked over his nipple, the shorter man using that as an opportunity to delve his tongue into Eren’s mouth, tasting like earl grey tea with a hint of mint underneath. Eren pulled back and placed an array of kisses across Levi’s jaw before delving down to his neck and collarbone, littering the milky white skin with soft nips of affection.

“I want to taste you,” Eren growled as he lowered himself to his knees in front of his captain, placing his finger against the button of Levi’s pants and tapping as a way of asking for permission.

Levi swallowed audibly, “Eren, you don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

Levi looked into Eren’s eyes for a few moments and after ensuring that Eren was doing this out of desire rather than any form of obligation, nodded, gasping softly as Eren stripped him from his pants and undergarments all in one go, hard cock springing up towards his abdomen proudly.

Although this wasn’t the first time Eren had ever had a cock in front of his face, it felt like it. He gazed at Levi’s cock in adoration and hunger, wasting no time as he licked a strip from the head down to the base and back up again, coating Levi’s cock in his saliva until it was dripping wet. Levi’s precum was salty on his tongue and drove Eren mad with desire, knowing that he turned on Levi this much was more than enough for him. He could leave this room with nothing but the experience of having Levi’s cock shoved down his throat and he’d be forever satisfied.

Eren looked up at Levi and smirked, “you’re so thick, captain. I can’t wait to choke on your cock.”

Levi’s face flamed, “shameless,” he choked out, words becoming garbled as soon as Eren wrapped his lips around the head of his cock.

Eren held eye contact with Levi as he opened his mouth wider and began to deep throat him, Levi’s cock sliding so far down his throat that it touched the back, causing Eren’s eyes to water as he held it there and cut off his airway. He slid his tongue along a thick vein that he felt on the underside of Levi’s cock and watched in satisfaction as the older man tilted his head back and moaned in ecstasy. Levi’s hands came down and he entangled his fingers in Eren’s hair, pulling as though asking Eren for permission to take over, which Eren gladly gave him.

Levi then began to face fuck Eren, his cock sliding in and out of Eren’s throat deep and fast as Eren reached down and began to rub himself through his too-tight pants. He felt as though he would explode at any moment, the fact that he was here with Levi’s dick in his mouth far more than he could have ever hoped for.

Levi noticed Eren beginning to lose it and pulled back, quickly kneeling on the ground next to Eren and clashing their lips together once more, as though the mere thought of being physically separated from Eren for more than a second pained him. He cupped Eren’s face in his hands reverently as he deepened the kiss, this time it was full of love rather than lust as Levi took his time exploring Eren’s mouth.

They kneeled there together on the ground, Eren placing one hand on Levi’s waist and the other against his neck, thumb rubbing back and forth over the skin as their tongue brushed against one another. It was still hard for him to believe that this was all real, that he was sitting here kissing Levi after having sucked him off, a thing he had only ever been able to fantasize about.

Eren pulled away first, panting against Levi’s lips as he said softly, “I never thought I’d get this with you.”

Levi smiled, the first real smile Eren had seen from him since that time long ago when Historia had been brave enough to punch humanity’s strongest.

Without saying a word, Levi stood up and dragged Eren over to the bed with him where they both stripped one another of their clothing. Eren watched in awe as Levi’s pupils dilated once Eren was fully naked, piercing silver eyes raking over his body as though he hadn’t ever seen anything quite so beautiful.

“I always knew I’d get this with you,” Levi replied, voice barely about a whisper.

And then Levi’s lips and hands were everywhere, expertly mapping out Eren’s body as he marked the younger man in every possible spot he could. Even knowing the marks wouldn’t lat long, Levi didn’t hold back, as though he wanted the entire world to know that he had claimed Eren as his.

Levi would be the only person Eren ever loved in this way.

Eren ran his hands over every inch of Levi’s skin that he could touch as though he were a sculptor molding his clay. Levi’s skin was covered in a multitude of scars that Eren didn’t shy away from, a part of him jealous that Levi was able to carry these memories with him physically, as though a reminder that he was still alive.

When Levi pulled away to go grab some oil Eren couldn’t help but whine at the loss, his body shivering now that Levi’s warmth was no longer there. Levi chuckled softly as he crawled over top of Eren, his fingers coated thoroughly in oil, “fuck, you’re gorgeous.”

Eren’s face burned as he scoffed, eyes widening slightly when he felt the tip of Levi’s pointer finger prodding gently at his entrance. This was unfamiliar territory for Eren, having decided long ago that he wouldn’t allow anyone but Levi to have him in this way, and he swallowed nervously as he spread his legs to give Levi better access.

“Are you sure?” Levi asked.

“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, captain. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“Call me Levi.”

“I want you, Levi. All of you.”

And that must have been enough for Levi because after that his finger was pressing deeper inside and Eren lost himself in the pleasure of it all. He didn’t even mind the pain, as his healing abilities allowed for it to subside quickly. One finger quickly turned to two and Eren desperately rocked his hips in tandem with Levi’s finger, the feeling of someone else doing it far better than all the times he’d snuck off to the showers early in the morning by himself to experiment. Or perhaps it felt this good because it was Levi, whatever the case may be, Eren was soon panting and moaning for Levi’s cock, fully aware that if they continued down this path he wouldn’t last much longer.

“Please Levi, I need you.”

Levi, having never been one to deny Eren, quickly pulled away and coated his cock in the oil, always conscious of Eren’s pain threshold even when it was far above the average persons.

Levi grabbed one of Eren’s legs and threw it over his shoulder before slowly beginning to slide his cock inside, “I want to see your face when I make you cum,” he said darkly, eyes growing impossibly darker as they shifted downwards as he shamelessly watched himself disappear inside of Eren’s tight heat.

“And you call me shameless,” Eren gasped out as he was filled completely, Levi’s thick cock deliciously stretching him out.

“I guess that means we’re perfect for one another,” Levi replied before slowly pulling back out and pushing back in a few times, allowing for Eren to get used to the feeling.

As much as Eren appreciated Levi’s tenderness, it was also driving him insane. He wished for nothing more than to be thoroughly wrecked by Levi, to remember nothing for days other than how it had felt to finally be intimate with the one person whom he had craved above all else.

“Levi,” Eren whined, “please fuck me already”

Levi reached a hand up towards Eren’s throat, gently wrapping his fingers around it as he replied darkly, “as you wish.”

And then, Levi was thrusting his hips fast and hard, the sound of skin smacking against skin filling the room as Eren’s back arched in pleasure, his toes curling as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through his body. Levi’s fingers tightened around his throat slightly, possessively, and Eren found himself wishing that this could last forever. Nothing compared to how amazing Levi’s cock felt as it slammed deep inside of him repeatedly, of how the older man leaned down and captured Eren’s mouth with his, swallowing up each and ever moan that managed to escape from Eren’s throat.

Eren was gripping Levi’s biceps so hard that he knew there would be bruises for days to come, his healing not quite the same as Eren’s, but he didn’t care. He wanted Levi to be reminded of him, even once he hated him, Eren wished for Levi to hold onto this moment. To remember how good it had felt to finally give in to their desires, to selfishly allow themselves a moment of pure bliss. To pretend that there was a future for them where titans and wars didn’t exist, to grasp onto that dream of a life together inside of a small tea shop laughing happily with their friends and loving one another to the end of their days.

Levi snaked an arm underneath Eren and lifted him up so that his arms were now wrapped around Levi as the man continued to pound into him, the new angle allowing his cock to go far deeper, almost instantly brushing up against his prostate.

“Fuck! Fuck! Right there, Levi!”

Eren nearly screamed, delirious with pleasure as Levi continued to slam up against his prostate, his entire body tensing up and stomach coiling with heat before he let out a loud gasp and came hard, white liquid squirting all over him and Levi’s stomachs.

Levi slammed up inside Eren a few more times, lips finding the younger man’s once more as he came moments later, moaning Eren’s name against his lips as though it were a prayer. They stayed like that for a long time after, holding one another tightly, not wanting to let go and ruin the magic of the moment.

It was Levi who pulled away first, leaving to go get a warm washcloth so that he could clean them both up. Eren knew, without Levi asking, that the older man wanted him to stay the night. So, once they were both thoroughly cleaned, he snuggled up next to Levi, gazing into his eyes with nothing short of an intense fondness.

“For as long as I live and as long as I love, I will never not think about you.”

“Why does it feel like you are saying goodbye?” Levi asked in return as he furrowed his brow in confusion.

Eren smiled sadly and placed his head on top of Levi’s chest, closing his eyes as he listened to the sound of Levi’s heart beating strongly. This was, perhaps, the most selfish act that he had ever committed in his life. In a few days, Levi would awake on a cool morning and find Eren missing, thinking that he had been captured again only to figure out the truth shortly after.

But Eren couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. Not Levi, never Levi.

No matter what came after, he would never forget this moment. No other magic could ever compare to how it had felt to love and be loved so completely. Nothing would ever be as beautiful or as tragic as their love. Even if he lost all other memories, Eren would never not think of Levi.

Of the way it had felt to laugh with him.

The pain of grieving with him.

And the utter bliss of loving him.

Eren buried his face in Levi’s chest and forced himself to hold back his tears, he couldn’t break, not yet. He had realized long ago that he wasn’t meant for a happy life and it was about time he accepted the fate that had been thrust upon him.

_Goodbye Levi, he thought sadly, I will never not love you. Thank you, for everything._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! I have been really struggling creatively lately but I tried my best to make this as good as possible. If anyone spots any mistakes, PLEASE let me know. I wrote this all in one day and went over it a few times but my eyes tend to miss things.


End file.
